From the desk of President John Habidacus, Indiana University

An anonymous IU professor

When I have too many diet cokes, I enter a fever dream, the results of which I offer below.  

Recently, I have made some serious mistakes. Please forgive me, and let’s move forwards. Here is my pledge for the future:

1. The First Amendment protects freedom of speech, but not the indefinite occupation of space that belongs to someone else. As of today, any tents remaining in Dunn Meadow after 11 PM will be removed, using force if necessary. Any student  who resists the clearing of Dunn Meadow will be expelled, and any faculty who resist will be placed on unpaid leave for five years. Going forward, Dunn Meadow will be cleared at 11 PM every night. If necessary, the meadow will be cleared every hour, on the hour, through the night.

There is a long-standing policy on the books regarding the 11 PM deadline. Even if there were not, I would declare and enforce this rule using my authority as the executive officer whose duty   is to maintain an institution dedicated to intellectual work, whether that be teaching, learning, discussing, or researching.

Over the next few weeks I will work with faculty to update our policy regarding free speech on  campus. This policy will specify deadlines, acceptable spaces, and acceptable means of public expression. The policy I envision will ban bullhorns, speakers, and any other means of creating noise above the normal level of the human voice. The penalty for violating these rules will be expulsion.

Persons not affiliated with Indiana University will not be permitted to join campus protests. If they try, they will be arrested and prosecuted for trespassing.

I invite and encourage the trustees to terminate my contract if they find these measures inappropriate.

2. I urge administrators and faculty to remind students that their classroom obligations remain in force and will not be relaxed in any way because of these events. We should not rob students of the opportunity of overcoming challenges. Protesting, after all, is not a core element of this university's educational mission. The job of faculty is to teach, not protest. The job of students is to study, not protest. Protesting is tolerated, but not encouraged. In this era, most protests are not even organic to the University, but are ginned up by outside actors in pursuit of political and ideological goals completely orthogonal to our mission. My administration does not look kindly on this development. We will resist the exploitation by outside actors of our campus's commitment to openness and dialog. I urge everyone to ignore these outsiders. Let’s just get back to work.

3. I remind our entire University community that this challenge is minor compared to  the challenge of building a life of reflection and joy. Simple virtue demands we react to  protests calmly. Those who find themselves extraordinarily upset must leave the conversation and get their emotions under control.

4. For the next 10 days, I invite reporters from the Indiana Daily Student to visit me twice a day for 30-minute interviews. I will also be open to the outside press.

5. Finally I would like to offer my gratitude to police at all levels, who have assured me of their willingness to protect our campus.  Don’t criticize them when they just do their job. Criticize me for calling them if you think I’m wrong to, but not them for responding to my call.