23 Comments
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Anna Krylov's avatar

Spoken like a true nerd -- ;). Always good to have an algorithm in place.

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Randy Wayne's avatar

Dear Dorian,

First of all: Congratulations! WIth all your experience, do you have any tips of how to get my colleagues to stop crying. It started on November 5th, but really got loud after January 20th. (I do remember they wore safety (diaper) pins 8 years ago. Please don't ask me to check their diapers).

Thanks,

randy

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Judy Parrish's avatar

THIS!!! Because I was an academic (and still keep a toe in the door), a large proportion of my friends are in the group that has been caterwauling since January 20. It's becoming deafening. I've considered telling them to get group counseling, but mostly I'm just keeping my head down. Thank goodness for Heterodox STEM and Heterodox Academy! What I find most....I don't know the right word....distressing? maddening? whatever, you get the idea....is that they are now loudly protesting the very behaviors they engaged in!

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TheNuclearBlonde's avatar

I told some of them to quit whining it was a good thing. I'm super popular now

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Randy Wayne's avatar

You are with me!!!!

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Frank Canzolino's avatar

Aren’t you assuming a STEM guy had sex to produce a baby?

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Dorian Abbot's avatar

STEM guys age like fine wine!

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Frank Canzolino's avatar

I turned to vinegar…

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Thomas J. Snodgrass's avatar

Is that how it works? Actually I gather in the case of Elon Musk's last 5 kids, it was ALL done artificially. I think he has given up on sex, but he still wants LOTS of kids. So...

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Tanya's avatar

A benefit of this approach could be to reduce frustration (works also for moms, not just dads!). When you are sleep deprived and the baby is screaming, it is hard for a new parent to remain calm. Mentally working through some sequence of actions can be very helpful and grounding.

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MeetandGreet's avatar

Adorable. By the time you get through the steps your wife will be back. Moms don’t like to stay away for long. Babies also like to be carried, so depending on age you can carry the baby around until it falls asleep. Finally, Mom left me at home once with an infant sibling that started to cry. I was seven years old. Everything turned out fine. Confidence!

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Avi Chai's avatar

It's nice that we started discussing Family Values on our blog. We also need some articles here dealing Evolutionary Psychology.

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Comment-Tater's avatar

I know this is meant to be humorous, but it's TERRIBLE advice! I speak as the grandmother of a now-16-month-old.

First, you can't just ignore the baby when it's not crying. At least after three or four months, you need to engage with the baby and do things to keep it interested, like give it a rattle or other toy. (Credit where credit is due, however, the advice to take a walk is one good way to engage.)

Second, the priorities are in the wrong order. The most likely causes of crying are hunger and sleepiness. If the baby has been sitting calmly for a while, it's unlikely that its clothes are pinching or a strap is uncomfortable or that it's overstimulated.

Third, and most important, babies have a roughly three or four-hour cycle: sleep, eat, pee/poop, repeat. When you take over care, it's your responsibility to ask where the baby is in this cycle. Thus, if you know the baby recently peed/pooped and then slept, then the most likely cause of crying is hunger. Nowadays, there's an app to keep track of that info.

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Thomas J. Snodgrass's avatar

Holy cow...this is complicated.

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Comment-Tater's avatar

True. And yet the species has survived!

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Thomas J. Snodgrass's avatar

Yes, but if you look at the history of homo sapiens, it has been touch and go a few times. We BARELY survived to this point. And we STILL could obliterate ourselves.

I would point to all the fertility celebrations and magical inducements and beliefs that still live on throughout the world. I could make a long list here but you undoubtedly are aware of most if not all of them.

Reproduction for humans is a seriously tricky business.

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Judy Parrish's avatar

Congratulations!

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Kevin Byrne's avatar

You produced this with "careful experimentation", did you? [D. Abbot: Through careful experimentation, I have developed this checklist for fixing a crying baby.] What did you use for a control, Mr. Smarty Diaper?

Tell the truth --- Your wife taught you everything you don't really know about!

Kevin

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Dorian Abbot's avatar

You are correct. I just do what my wife tells me. It's the best strategy!

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Thomas J. Snodgrass's avatar

When I am involved with a woman, I basically just do whatever she tells me, more or less. Of course, the women complain that I do not follow the instructions carefully enough, but I do try...I guess this is why I am single! Which is both good, and bad...in different ways.

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Anne Frütel's avatar

Very good. You could continue, add empirical data and more elaborated decision protocols, probabilities in numbers etc. Then make a book out if it or even better, build an assistant AI for technical dads (maybe also for some technical mothers). It can encourage people to have children that otherwise would not dare to. This can save humanity!

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Jennifer W's avatar

Well, the advice I would add falls outside the immediate need to soothe a crying baby, but with Kennedy getting past the first step toward confirmation, it's timely: "Carefully consider the information provided by the Children's Health Defense about the childhood vaccination schedule." (Full disclosure: I think it's good information.)

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